I took a leave from my beauty related hobby at a time where I was feeling less than beautiful. I was in a relationship that, to say the least, was holding me back and I was unhappy with the general direction of my life. I decided I needed to make some big decisions if anything was going to change. Im pretty sure every normal 20-30 year old goes through a time in their life where anxiety and depression are a very real thing and this past year and a half has definitely been my time. My quarter life crisis if you will.
To be honest, it. is. rough. It isn't easy trying to figure everything out at 25. There's a point when you realize that you're young, yet somehow you're no longer that fresh out of high school teenager with no worries. You are no longer the youngest person in any given room aaaaand all of the latest pop stars are 7-10 years your junior. You have responsibilities now! To others as well as to yourself. You start contemplating where you want to be in the next five to ten years. Do I want to get married? Do I want children? Do I want to spend my adult life where I am now, or do I want to move away from my little home town to somewhere fancy and new? And then BOOM! That sudden wave of panic when you realize that you don't have nearly as much time as you thought you did fills your entire body with pin like tension. My goodness, a whole quarter of this life just zipped by! In general, people want answers from you about where you are as an adult. As a female, you have people reminding you that your biological clock is ticking! And that you won't stay young and pretty forever! *GAG* So you get thrown into... Where did the time go? Why am I not better educated?! How did I end up here?! Should I look this way or that way?! Are my clothes age appropriate? Why am I in a place that I dislike so unbelievably much?! Why do I dislike MYSELF so unbelievably much?! When did I become unable to look happily at the reflection in the mirror?! And the internal whirlwind goes on.
Suddenly you feel like you've fallen completely behind. Don't get me wrong! It's amazing to watch friends and family of similar ages make fantastical strides in their lives. It really is! And I'm so happy that I get to be a part of watching so many wonderful people flourish, but it can and more than likely will put a small damper on your sunny disposition if you let yourself feel like you aren't doing well enough. And oh, the anxiety of feeling like you need to try harder, be better, make things happen faster, all while competing with a shiny new generation of human beings... Yikes.
But my anxiety is my own. I read too often about how those who live with this lovely affliction feel like people need to try harder to understand "their" anxiety. I've been there. But to tell you the truth, I don't think people with anxiety understand it well enough themselves to ask that of someone else. In a world where we are so driven to make people understand us, we have forgotten how to understand ourselves. We rely so much on receiving empathy from others, we forget that fixing where we are starts with reflecting on where we alone have been. It's a hard revelation to come to, I can assure you.
Needless to say, over the last year and a half, I have taken a lot of time to sit back and reconstruct many aspects of my personality/life. I quite recommend it. I've learned that the best way to move forward is to start working on it yourself and let people who truly want to be a part of your growth be a part of it. Those are the people who will show they love you as long as you show how much you love them. It's an amazing thing to witness. You won't have to feel like they need to understand you, they just do. And in turn you willingly learn to understand them. I've happily taken time to better myself, by myself and the outcome was far better than I expected. I absolutely expect more bumps in the road, but I am now better equipped to handle them. I still have days where I would rather look away from the reflection in the mirror. There are times that I feel lost and far behind the wonderful humans in my life, but that's life. Life is messy. Life is beautiful. Life is chaotic. Life is meant to be lived.
Thank you for reading! I plan on moving forward with the blog when I can and maybe doing some fun makeups or just ranty ones like this if it doesn't bother too many people.
So much love!!
&>
